Everlasting Sadness

Hey you.

Let's start off with the good news. I'm starting this new healthy mission. I'm gonna give up junk food all of October and it will end on Halloween, where I can pig out on all the candy I want. My cheat day is Saturday.

I got inspired by this book called Fat Cat. It's a very nice book. Way better than Perfect Chemistry, which I finished not very long ago. The ending was sweet but I wouldn't read it again. I'm glad I'm done with it.

Everything's on my tumblr.

I felt like crying this morning. I actually teared up in Pre-Calculus class.I just got a D on my latest quiz. And I kept thinking about the same things that I've been thinking about lately. Death and God.

I want there to be a God. I just don't know why I can't believe anymore. I feel like something's been robbed from me. There's nothing for me to be depressed about but I am. When there's people out there suffering from actual pain and hunger, I'm here living life with everything I could want and need. But I still feel bad.

Oh man.

I just wanna believe again. Life was so much better when I had hope that there was something after this life. I still do. I still pray to God. I like praying. But I can't stand the Bible. I read it and I see the good stuff. But then I see the stuff I don't wanna see. I have no idea how I'm supposed to take this Bible. There's so many things we don't do in this Bible that it says we should do. Is it supposed to change with the times? Is gayness correct now? Girls still pierce themselves and wear pants. Guys cut their beards. People go to church on Sundays.

If we don't have to do that, does it mean we don't have to follow the commandments either?

Things don't make sense anymore to me. I'm tired of being depressed. I've said it before, I'll say it again.

I don't want to be depressed anymore. I just want hope. I want to live carefree. When my biggest problems are what I'm gonna wear tomorrow or studying for the next test. I can deal with that. I know what to expect.

The last TLC meeting was one of the worst meetings for me. It kinda hurt me. One of the kids brought in their pastor and I guess I just didn't agree with the things he was saying. He was Pentecostal. They believe in talking in tongues and go to church on Sunday. I asked him why. Why do people go to church on Sunday instead of Saturday? The thing was, I knew why. I just wanted to hear his answer. 

And I didn't like his answer. That's all I'm gonna say. I just didn't like his answer.

I'm gonna go on Wednesday. I wish they promoted good eating at these TLC meetings. All they bring is chips and soda. And I know the kids mean well. We're teenagers. All we want is sugar and salt. But I guess I just wasn't brought up in a Church that way. I don't know. I guess I'm used to going to Church events and expecting to eat fruit and healthy chips and organic stuff. When I see all the junk that's brought for TLC, I'm totally caught off gaurd.

But hey, free food!

I hope I can resist.