This was a long week and it's only Wednesday. Today was the PSAT! Woot woot.
Man, that test was stressing me OUT. Junior year is the only time the PSAT counts for scholarships and National Merit whatever and I wanted to get both, you know. My tutor helped me study for Math and in fact, I'm sure I did pretty good on that part. It was the Reading stuff that beat my butt. Oh my gosh. First of all, I had no idea what a lot of the words meant and I just regret not studying some SAT words the night before. But I was so tired and so I didn't. I was gonna study on the bus but I ended up scrolling through words on this SAT vocabulary app I had, not actually getting anything in.
I feel like I did even worse than last year!
I don't know. Maybe I won't even go to college. Maybe I should just start getting those applications for Target now. Maybe I might achieve something and even become manager, you know.
But compared to the people I've heard, I think I did relatively better than everyone last year. I don't know about this year. :/ Then again, last year, I thought I utterly failed the PSAT. And technically, I didn't do so well. But compared to the United States, I'm in the 88th to 95th percentile so yeah, that's good I guess.
At least I can get a scholarship for being black, right?
Enough of that.
So did I tell you that for the first time, I saw my "cousin" at school. I don't know if I told you this, but the guy and his family moved to Nigeria some years ago and they finally came back. And so the guy started going to my school and apparently, he told his mother that he had seen me around. This was like back in September or something and I had never seen this kid but I was always on the look out.
Now here's when it gets funny. Last week, we had a new kid in my Physics class. I'm such an oblivious person that I for some reason thought the kid had probably been in the class this whole time but didn't realize it. I didn't take a moment to actually look at him either. Like four days after, something urged me to just look over. My Physics teacher was talking to him about getting his papers or something to enlist in the class and the guy responded in a slight Nigerian accent. So I was curious and looked over.
I see this darker skinned guy with a high-top who didn't look anything like the guy I was imagining from like 4 years ago. But then I looked at his face and I just knew it. He looked just like his brothers who were the ones I had seen recently. I was basically freaking out and squirming in my seat and trying to figure out why I never looked sooner. Me, in my excited state, decide to get this dude to call him for me and I find out his name and my hunch was confirmed. So I ask the guy if he remembered me. And oh my gosh, this fool embarrassed my life and shook his head no as if I was insane.
I wasn't sure if he was lying or if it was actually true. First of all, HE was the one who told his mother than he saw me at school. He obviously recognized me if he could tell his mother that. Second, the last time I saw that dude was 4 years ago. If he's in AP Physics, I am sure as HECK that he should at least remember me in those 4 years, right? Do I look that different? Seriously?
My other theory is that maybe he tried to say hi to me in the hall and I didn't see him so I didn't respond or something. And maybe he's being spiteful and yeah. I don't know. I didn't want to explain more because I didn't want to be humiliated further and it was class and he was like 2 seats away and I'm such an awkward person and blah blah.
So after that encounter, he hasn't been in class since. And my mom can't get in contact with his mother. He basically dropped off the face of the earth.
The last thing I want to talk about is my lack of self-esteem. My "friend" told me that most hurtful thing last week and it really affected me. I'm sure she wasn't trying to be hurtful, I don't know. But it was and I was fixed on never talking to her for a long time but I didn't.
I can't remember what day it was but I'm guessing it was Wednesday last week. And my friend and I were waiting on the grassy hill facing the soccer field. I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't keep a conversation with that girl. It's funny because I text her the most out of all my friends but when it comes to speaking face to face, I can't do it. I mean, sometimes I can, but when I say something, I end up sounding stupid. And she makes me feel stupid and I just wanted to disappear. It's not like just a look, but she straight up says things about what I say and I don't know.
We were having this stupid conversation, if you can even call it that, about why I was so boring and why I didn't say anything. And honestly, I didn't have a reason. I thought I was mentally retarded because I couldn't. She was like, "I'm not even sure why I'm even friends with you. You're so boring." And there was a lot of things I could've said to her, like how she was such a b**** sometimes. But I didn't. Then, she completely turned around, acting all buddy buddy. I wanted to just walk away the moment I felt like tearing up and curse her out or something. But I didn't.
I'm not like other people that can just sit there and talk about things like they're infinite gumballs rolling from your tongue. I just can't. Or maybe I just can't with her. Though I'm not sure why. I can't with a lot of people. I can't even speak properly to anyone. I can't even speak entirely well with my own siblings. Sometimes I do think I'm mentally retarded.
So I cried once I got home. And I was contemplating how I was going to avoid this girl. I was thinking about sending her an angry text message or something. I was thinking about just telling her that what she said hurt me. I was even thinking about just avoiding her for the rest of my life but that wouldn't have worked out because first, my locker is in the same hallway as hers. I mean, I could carry by bookbag with me for the rest of the school year but soon enough, I will see her in the hallway. And, it's just not possible to completely avoid someone you go to school with.
So I faked everything but I was waiting for her to just do one thing to annoy me just to give me a reason never to talk to her again. And she did, the next day, she made me feel stupid once again and I just walked away.
Right now, I honestly don't even want to be friends with the girl again. I'm in accordance with her, I don't know how we even became friends either. I first met her in 7th grade, but I remember not really talking to her like that. I didn't really care about having a friendship with her either. I knew who I hung out with in 7th grade. If I was gonna be truthful, I thought she was kinda... I don't know... loser-ish. Her pants were tight in the wrong places and high-waterish. She wore her own hair in cornrows. I mean, I can't blame her. Everyone was lame in middle school with our uniforms. I remember having those baggy pants that were baggy in the crotch and tapered at the ankle (but I wore them large enough so that they didn't high-water). And my shirts were a bit too large.
But still. I wasn't interested in being friends with the girl. In 8th grade, I started talking to her more though I have no idea why. We have never had classes before EVER, to this day. I really have no clue why. In 9th grade, we texted each other like we were best friends or something though we didn't go the same school.
I really just wanna break off the friendship but if I did, I would lose a good part of my life. Especially since we always stayed after school together, and did things together. She taught me how to ride the bus and blah blah blah. I don't know... I can't just stop talking to her. But I still want to. I realized that I'm not the type of person to have a "best friend". I don't need someone to tell my life to. I don't want to tell someone my life.
I feel like I'm being irrational. The fact that she still wants to be friends with me, means something right? She tells me all these things but still texts me and calls me. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what to do. But at this moment, breaking the friendship off seems like the best thing ever. I know she'll be mad at me tomorrow because my phone went dead while we were talking. I didn't feel like calling back so I went to sleep. I still haven't called her back and I don't feel like it either. Ugh... I'm gonna have to because I don't feel like dealing with her chiz tomorrow.
It's funny because she was talking to me about some boy today who gave her his number. And she called him and texted him but he didn't pick up. (I think he's like me. I think a lot of smart people are like this too. We don't pick up our phones.) She was telling me that she seemed that she was coming off as desperate. I mean, the way that she gets kinda pissed when I don't text back is desperate in my eyes too. I didn't see it like that until this year. I'm not gonna go into it. Maybe it's because I don't really depend on people like that, and I feel like she does.
I can ramble about this friend forever. But I'll stop. I have a ton of homework to finish a look what I'm doing.
Bye.
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