I Have Things To Be Happy For, But I'm Not.

I really felt like talking to you though it's almost 1 AM in the morning and I still have to classes of homework to do.

I've been feeling sad as of lately. I want to say it's because of my period. I don't usually or ever suffer from emotional PMS but I guess I do now. 

It all started with my crush on Oliver. And now, I wish it would go away. It's caused me too much emotional distress. It's still uber strong. In fact, every time I think about the guy, my heart flutters. I haven't ever talked to the kid. What is wrong with me? 

My punishment for crushing on Oliver was the realization that I am truly ugly. Okay, so I have my bouts of low self-esteem from time-to-time. But this past week, I've just felt uglier. And it's like, the evidence is blaring at me. 

Guys don't really look at me or notice me much anymore. And I've gained weight and my acne is getting out of control again. I don't know what to do anymore. I complain about the same things over and over again, but I just can't get over it. 

Today, we danced in Spanish class today. Okay, I actually have good rhythm, if I do say so myself. I know how to dance, even though I'm shy. My shyness isn't why I hate the dance unit part of Spanish class. What I hate the most is how much of a reminder it is of who is and is not among the prettiest people in the class. 

I hate that almost disgusted expression on the face of the person who is partnered up with me. And I hate the glaring lights of the stage to emphasize the puffiness of my cheeks and the scars and bumps on my face. And I hate the snickers of the guys around. 

What I can say is that the partner I got paired up with happened to be a blessing from God. I thought I saw the infamous look of disgust on his face. I probably did. And I heard him try to bargain his way out. So I walked on. 

But once we started dancing, he was pretty sweet and funny. I honestly don't know what to think. I wish to say he made my day. He would've if we had just stopped dancing there and left. But no, it just progressed. 

My Spanish teacher hired a Spanish boy to help us with learning the dance. We were supposed to play some stupid game where one person stood in the front dancing the meringue and was supposed to randomly choose partners to come up and dance with them. 

The boy was put into the front of the class and he basically almost danced with all the girls in the class and he spun in a circle. I noticed that he danced with the first three girls and skipped my side and went to dance with some girl on the other side of the circle. And he continued on from there and I-I'm probably just overreacting. It sounds stupid when I type it. But it's okay for me to overreact. This is my blog. 

So...

Why should I be happy? 

I got the highest grade on a test I have ever gotten in Calculus. I ended up getting an 82%. I expected to get a 100% honestly. But considering that I brought my D back up to a C, I'm ecstatic. Or close to ecstatic. 

I also got an A on an English essay for the first time since I've transferred to the school. I can't even tell you what I did differently to deserve an A. But I did.

The school is also doing this Christmas candy gram thing. So I decided to send an anonymous one to Oliver today. I was able to find out his name as I told you before. The problem was finding out his homeroom. I never actually did find out his homeroom. But I knew he had a certain class so I figured that if they got send to that classroom in the morning, the teacher would just hold on to it until Oliver's class period.

I wrote a quirky message on the back: This may seem creepy but at least you got candy out of it.
I would've added more, like, "I think you're cute." But I knew the girls at the table who were collecting the candy grams were reading the messages and I didn't want them reading more than they needed. So I left it like that.

I feel like he'll know. It's obvious. And he'll probably think I'm a creep. Ugh... I can't say I don't care. And I can't even deny that I'm not a creep.

I need to finish my homework. Bye.