I'm Trying To Convince My Brain That I'm A Lesbian But It's Not Working.

Why?

Because I'm sick and tired of obsessing over boys.

I figured that my personality sucks and I'm freakin' awkward. I have no chance with boys so why should I bring my hopes up and get them crushed and see all these cute guys walking around and have my brain go crazy. I just wanna go to school and not worry about that. So since like, Monday? maybe, I've been telling myself, 'You don't like boys. Check out the girls. No, you don't like boys check out THE GIRLS."

I'm not trying to make myself lesbian but I'm just trying to re-wire my brain so that I don't always have to check out whatever cute boy I see walk by or get a mini brain seizure when I stand next to one. Or go out of my way just to be able to see a cute guy by making note of where he goes to leave school and then packing my stuff before 8th period so I can catch him and see the back of his head.

Yeah.

And then I hear this dude (who happens to be in one of my class but I never talk to him) talk about his girlfriend when I was standing in line. My friend had just commented on him being a "Sexy Asian". And I was listening in on this girl who was asking about his girlfriend. The guy was like, "It's okay but I think she's mad at me at the moment." He went on to say that it was because his girlfriend didn't want him hanging out with some other dude. Then I seriously don't know what is wrong with the girl who was bringing up the topic but then she was like, "Oh my gosh! What is wrong with her? He's just a guy. Why is she not letting you talk to a guy???" 

I thought it was the SWEETEST thing ever how he didn't even go along with it and bashed his girlfriend. He even defended her. And I just thought, "Woah. Whoever he goes out with (I know who it is but I'm not gonna drop names) is lucky to have him."

And that gave me hope for humanity because I sometimes here stuff in the lines and it's just dudes cursing and saying disgusting stuff about their "girlfriends" or "whoever they f-ed last night". And it is NO better with girls. Probably even worse. No definitely worse.

Okay next topic.

I tried Chipotle for the first time yesterday. But before I share my experience, let me tell you the most jank thing that happened.

My Government teacher was the one who allowed us to have a Chipotle party in his class. We ordered what we want and put it down on a sheet with our names on it. And this girl (who I freakin' admire) took the orders and the money and got them faxed to the Chipotle. And everything was supposed to be taken care. Our teacher was gonna buy drinks and pick up our orders. Then the most tragic thing happens. We come to class the next day and apparently, one of his kids gets strep and he didn't even come to school today.

I didn't really make a big deal out of it. Not that I wasn't upset but because it wouldn't make sense to be openly upset because it wouldn't solve anything. But in my mind I was thinking, the one day I get to try Chipotle, I DON'T GET TO. The other kids were very upset though. A lot didn't eat anything at lunch (which was what I was going to do but I decided to get some sugar cookies which I didn't end up enjoying for some reason). So they were hungry.

But the kids in that class figured things out. Chipotle called our class about the orders but we took too long trying to figure out what to tell them so they hung up.

A girl in that class called Chipotle back and got a sweet teacher to drive their and pick up the food.

So we got our food right during the bell transition and I was happy. My friend tried to get some but I was determined to have this food to myself.

I got home, opened the food, and I see a whole bunch of lettuce with some white stuff on top. And I'm thinking, "OMG They gave me salad!??!" But I dug in and realized that there was rice, beans, and corn on the bottom. And the crouton looking things were actually chicken. And the white stuff wasn't ranch but sour cream.

I kept eating and realized I wasn't really enjoying it as much as I thought I should. My sister was like, it's because I forgot to get it with salsa. (Definitely what was missing, I think). I put some stew in it that I already had in the house which made it a little better. But I found myself struggling to finish it. And wondering, "Wow. This is the stuff people whine about and obsess about and talk about everyday."

But I have a feeling it's just because I'm sick and my appetite is still a little low. I didn't even like the fresh hot sugar cookies that I bought. Didn't like my Gatorade. Didn't eat dinner except some Honey Bunches of Oats that I didn't really enjoy. But ate anyway. And I ate broccoli and half a croissant (that I didn't like).

And maybe it's good thing.

Now I don't have to blow through all the food I eat.