A Night For Crying.

So I basically came to my internship and f***ed everything up.

Somehow, I put the wrong date for letters I was supposed to send. I accidentally scheduled a participant that could've been developmentally delayed AND was not allocated to my lab. I did some other dumb sh** too I'm sure.

Yep. I put the wrong scheduling date in the database. Of course, I did. OF COURSE I DID.

It's not the first time I've made a mistake in that lab. And I'm pretty sure these people think I'm an irresponsible idiot. Not to mention that I'm so freakin' awkward. I wanted to cry and I still want to cry now because on top of that, I am so freakin' confused about what I want to do in life. My mom was talking to some doctor and he was telling her that a good path to take in college is to go for nursing informatics because you can make money right after college. And I thought it sounded like a cool idea, medicine + technology + good starting salary = sexy so I searched it up.

Many universities don't even offer that as an undergraduate major. And in order to get that degree somewhere else, you would have to go to like online school or something dumb like that. And then I got to thinking about other undergrad degrees I could pursue that have good starting pays. Well, as you would expect, the top ones were engineering: computer engineering, petroleum engineering, some other type of engineering, and computer science. Well, since there's no he**-in-the-way that I'm doing engineering (at least I don't think I would), I looked into computer science and it was the scariest thing I had ever seen.

I'm thinking of taking an online course just to see how it but I'm sure it's just murder. The idea of it sounds cool but I don't wanna put myself through math classes. I'm not even bad in MATH. I'm just bad at taking math tests. I don't get it! I didn't even f***ing get an A in Statistics and it's STATISTICS. I just can't with myself.

Well, when my parents came home, I started looking further into good degrees and chiz and decided to focus in on Temple. Well, I found out that the school had this cool 3 + 4 accelerated program for medicine and for pharmacy and since I apparently applied to Temple for Pre-Pharm, I think I'm set for this program if I get in. I do want to change to Pre-Med, but I thought the idea was cool because it's just a straight pathway.

It lightened my mood a bit but I started showing my parents other chiz like the housing rates and dining plan and my parents realized how truly expensive this school is, even with the full-tuition covered. And though that's not the biggest thing that's making me sad, I still feel like crying.

I'm definitely going to cry tonight. I just need to. I'm so done with everything and I just want someone to just fix everything to how I want it. Just put life in a perfect little package for me so I can quit stressing myself out about this shit.

Also, I have this weird mole (at least I think it's a mole) that showed up on my thumb. I'm afraid that it might be cancerous and it might be the reason why I'm so f***ed up today. Maybe the cancerous cells have spread to my brain already. The mole is pretty big too. I mean, not huge big. But it's not no tiny mole.

I showed it to my mom but she didn't really make much of a big deal about it. But shit. I just learned about cancer in AP Bio and I don't want cancer.

Ugh... I still feel like crying. On top of that, my parents were on full blast with their disgusting mouth habits. Particularly my mother. She kept eating and eating and then she would make the nasty smacking sounds and dig her fingers into her teeth and she was just plain disgusting. I didn't want to be near her but I was for way too long and now I'm really irked.

I'm just gonna stop typing. My brother's turning 16 tomorrow. Whippee.