Last night was another 3 AM night and I felt horrible when I woke up in the morning. I was late for my bus and I didn't eat breakfast but honestly, it wasn't that bad of a morning. I was probably more awake than I was yesterday.
I stayed up all night trying to finish my late AP problems that were only half credit. What pisses me off was that they really weren't hard questions. I could've easily done it over the break if I had known we had to do them!!! ERGGH. my lyf sucks u guys u dont even no doe
So, I still haven't talked to my ultimate crush yet. But today, I got a pretty nice close up look at his face and he's even more gorgeous than I thought. He has a slightly reddish typical white boy face with spots and nice pink lips and blue eyes. Okay, so how did this happen?
Well, the other day, my friend came up with the idea to just go up to him and ask him if he got the candy gram her friend sent. You know, just to see if he did. And I was very iffy about it because if I just stood at my locker while she asked, it will be kinda obvious that it was me who sent it. And if I just walked away, it would be even more obvious. And then she came up with the idea of me going up to him and saying that it was my friend who sent the candy gram which would defeat the purpose of the whole my crushing on him. And so I came up with the idea that we should both go up there while she asks so that it seems like the friend that sent it to him is both friends with us.
And so that's what we did.
Ehrmagerd. My heart was beating so bad before and after the whole incident. It was kind of awkward, to tell you the truth. I mean, obviously. We've never talked to the guy in our life. We decided to do it before 7th period because his locker is in the same hallway as mines and I usually see him then. But this time, a girl was talking with him which made it even worse.
So my friend went up to him like, "Oliver. Um... we were just wondering if you got the candy gram my friend sent to you." She had to say it twice. And omg, he didn't look once my way. Not even once. I don't know if I was freakin' invisible or if it was intentional or what. He was like, "Yeah." With a cute laugh. And me and my friend were like, "Okay." And then we walked away. And my friend thinks that he thinks that she was the one who sent it because of the look he had on his face. But I think he thinks that I sent it because he avoided looking at me. I'm not sure.
I wanted to ask him myself after school if he knew who sent the candy gram. But I totally chickened out. And I had the perfect chance to tell him though now that I think about it, I'm kinda glad I didn't tell him. But at the same time, I kinda wish I had. Our bus driver was absent so we waited outside for a good amount of time for the substitute bus to come. Perfect opportunity. And once we got on the bus, I'm pretty sure he sat in the seat behind me. And I could've asked then but I chickened out again. But then he might've not been behind me, I don't know.
Honestly, if he does know it was me, he probably doesn't like me. That's what I believe. And there's really no reason to like me. I'm not cute and delicate. I'm like 20 pounds overweight. My hair sucks. My forehead's large. I'm short. I have acne and acne scars. My lips are always chapped. My skin is always oily and flaky. I'm awkward. I don't really have much going for me, you know.
And I thought the crush had subdued. And it really had over the winter break. And now it's flaming again because of that once close-up look at his face and the entire incident. It's making me sick.
There's really no point of me telling him that I like him because it's not like I want a boyfriend or anything. I really don't know what I want, in fact. I'm not sure what I want to gain from telling him. I'm thinking about it now for the first time and really what is it? I mean, it would nice to be friends with him. It would be nice to talk, I guess. I'm not sure what about and when. Maybe hug him and kiss him and make out with him once.
I really can't wait for this whole phase to be over.
As usual, I have homework I'm procrastinating on. Hopefully, I won't be up any time past 12:30 AM. Crossing fingers.
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