After taking the SAT today, I feel all these different emotions. A slight sense of failure. A slight sense of regret. But overall, I feel calm.
I'm really not trying to think about the specifics too much. Like whether I actually got Question #19 in Section 6 correct or not. Or if I could've fit in an extra paragraph for my essay...
Anyway, my parents were on point with their disturbances. First, my mom called just as I met a friend after walking out of the SAT. I was prepared to stand outside and chill with my friends, sharing our laments and such in the uninvited October sun. But no, my mom kept talking and talking. Then once I got off the phone. My dad texted that he was here and that was the last I saw of them.
Of course, I had seen The Guy three times. His presence actually pains me. He passed my testing classroom two times and then I saw him outside when I was talking to my dad. Why am I even mentioning him? He should be completely irrelevant now but in actuality, he's always in the corner of my mind. You would think it would be easier to forget him when I barely see him but that's not the case. I can't wait to get out of this high school when the presence and thought of him will cease to exist to me.
I digress.
I guess I can explain my emotions even though I said I won't dwell too much on the SAT but I don't think I can get over it until I write it all down. That's what this online "diary" is for anyway.
I didn't get much sleep last night. But I never really get much sleep on the nights before these kinds of things or ever. So I wasn't anymore sleepier than I usually am while I was taking the test. I studied a WHOLE bunch of SAT words though, only to find out that almost none of them were even on the test. And if they were, they were in the passages. I found out I got one vocabulary word wrong from a friend I was just talking to on the phone and ugh...
The test simply did not feel right. I did not have the same ease I had when I was taking practice tests at home. I completed all the math questions when I was taking the practice tests whereas, I had to skip a few when I was doing the math questions on the actual SAT. I finished all the sections in time except for one so I'm proud of myself for that because it means my time has actually improved since the last SAT. I think I only skipped one question, maybe two if I remember correctly.
I really want to try the pumpkin pie from McDonalds. I kind of want to get my dad to buy it for me right now. I should've asked him to buy it for me when I left from the SAT.
So enough of the SAT because everything is done and I can only hope for the best. I prayed really hard to God this week and he's been performing academic miracles for me. On Thursday, my friends and I had a vocabulary quiz on the bus to our internship. And God sent an SAT angel, a man with a background in linguistics, I'm guessing, who helped us with studying our SAT words. He was definitely Godsent.
But again, enough about SAT.
Let's talk about guys. Cute ones and creepy ones.
Another guy tried to talk to me yesterday. This makes three guys since I started coming home on the university shuttle. I saw this guy coming out from the hotel that was across from where I got off the bus. He was wearing a wife beater and from afar, he looked like he was Spanish. He shouted something but I didn't think he was talking to me so therefore, I didn't pay much attention to him. It wasn't until I was walking across the crosswalk to get into my neighbor that I realized that he had followed me. He was actually black, sleazy looking, and he was smoking. Again, I wasn't really paying much attention to what he was saying because I wanted to get away but he said something about being bored. He asked if I wanted to smoke. And he said if he could get to know me.
I said no and walked away, looking back to make sure he wasn't following me. My imagination got the best of me and I thought I heard hurried footsteps as if someone was chasing me. But as I said, it was my imagination. I got home and told my mom. She took it very nonchalantly though. She said that things like this happened to her when she was young and she said that if it happened, tell them, "God will deliver you." She said that's what she did when she was younger. LOL. Of course, it was pretty effective.
But now, I don't know what to do anymore. I stopped going the faster route to avoid one sleazy guy. I stopped leaving the University after 6 to avoid another sleazy guy. And now that I'm going the longer route and getting home early, I have another sleaze to avoid. Why can't some nice, cute guy, preferably around my age, and responsible and respectable, come and talk to me? Not by following me into my neighborhood but my starting a casual conversation on the bus or something.
Something that makes sense.
In good guy news, one of the guys that drives the bus that I take to go home is absolutely dreamy. He has such a sweet face and he smiles and says thank you when I show him my I.D. He's very swoon-worthy. Like a Southern gentlemen except without the accent and the cowboy hat. It sucks that after this week, I'll be seeing less of him because I'll be in college-app mode again so I'll be staying at the library for that. That means I'l have to catch the bus with the not-so-pleasant-and-sweet bus drivers.
And of course, there's that one guy that I see on the shuttle when I'm going to my internship. He's still cute as ever except I don't see him much because I get carpooled now for most of the week.
I walk in the hallways at school now and have this new freedom. I don't feel held down by the abundance of cute guys wrenching at my heart and mind. I feel like an adult now, looking down (figuratively) at these underclassmen in all these insignificant relationships and thinking, "It'll never last."
One particular thing that has been in my mind is these girls that I pass in the hallway when I'm going to English from Stat. I'm guessing they're sophomores but they're small. They always linger around the trophies, waiting for these guys to come up to them and hug them. They're obviously crush-struck little girls. Sometimes, they walk really slowly by the trophies (as if they just happened to be there), just to see these guys. And it's just so sad and funny to me. Their behaviors are oddly familiar though I can't really remember doing something like that. I guess it is similar to how my friends and I used to stand outside the classroom of this one guy, "casually talking" but actually terrorizing his life.
But yeah, just last year, I longed to be one of those girls who can be in relationships with the guys of their dreams. And yes, I still wish that. But not as much as I had before. It helps that the selection of guys for me to like has been cut down significantly by the fact that the seniors of last year are gone (the sophomores and freshmen are WAY to young for me and except for VERY few, the juniors aren't really my cup of tea and the slight age difference still kind of freaks me out). So there's only 1/4 of the school's guy population for me to like and the ones that I would like, are taken, and the ones that aren't taken, I don't care for. Also, being that I have a PM internship, I don't see the other guys who have internships in the PM. So my selection is VERY limited.
But despite saying all this, there is one guy that I'm finding myself liking more and more everyday. I never really considered him before when we were in a class together in 10th grade. There were others guys of interest in that class. But now, he is one of the few guys that I actually see on a regular basis. He has about three classes with me if you include my RP class. And he's an attractive guy except I never really noticed until now. Maybe because he's a nerd (but not in the extremely nerdy way) and he doesn't really fit the criteria of most of the guys I crush on: white. But yesterday, I realized he had an INCREDIBLE smile. Oh my gosh. I just wanna stare at his face because of that smile. And he's super smart and polite. He's simply perfect.
And the more I keep thinking about him, the more I like him. My friend just asked me what guys I've been looking at and I said there was no one except for the bus driver. But I totally forgot about this guy. And I don't think I wanna tell her. Not just yet.
Damn. He is perfect.
It's funny how I was talking about my new sense of freedom but I just found a new guy to carry in my heart and mind. Is it so bad to have that one piece of eye candy? It's good to indulge once in awhile.
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