I Don't Wanna Go Around Living Depressed

I guess I'm gonna have to move that deadline for the layout because I'm not feeling up to it.

I cried so hard last night about the whole God thing and whether I believe Him or not. If I don't believe in Him, what do I believe?

There's a God out there. There has to be. When I wake up on the other side, I want there to be another side. I can't be gone forever. How is that? Oh my gosh. I feel like crying again.

My brother saw me crying last night and he told my mom this morning so I finally confessed. And she was all calm about it and said we were gonna talk about it when she gets home and we'll pray about it. Praying seemed okay when I was bawling to her on the phone in the morning. But it doesn't seem so appealing now.

I wish she would get home already. I really don't know what to do with myself/ Ugh. I gotta do homework. But I'm really not in the mood to do anything that requires me to focus. When I focus, my brain starts to move into different directions instead of actually focusing. I wish there was something I could mindlessly do.

I wish I was at school. I'd stay after school forever if I could. I love being at home but home brings back pain I don't wanna feel.

Ugh.

I hate feeling like this but I don't wanna be ignorant or brain-washed. I just wanna know the truth. I don't wanna be an atheist. I wanna believe in something and be sure about it. I don't wanna go off of something that doesn't make any sense to me, only because I've been taught it since I was born. What makes Christians any different from Muslims and Buddhists and Hindus and etc. Most of us were brought up in the religion we have. That's mostly the reason why we follow it.

I wish I could burn that atheist book that I saw last night on the table. I just wanna throw it away and erase it from my mind and never see it again. I can't believe that book showed up on the table right when I was already feeling heavy and depressed. My dad can't find it and I think it's a good thing. I don't even wanna find it. There's some things in there that really hurt especially when you were brought up a Christian.

Why don't humans question these things? Where did the Bible come from? How about dinosaurs? Where did they come from? Why is everything so contradictory? Why? Why? I Don't WANNA DIE!