I Feel Better, I Think.

So my mom and I talked when she picked me up from school today and I feel better now. She told me that she had challenged God a few times in her life.

And I think I understanding the concept of death a little better. It's like going to sleep. When you sleep, you don't feel anything. Everything is away from you. You slip into a dream and you're living a totally different life. Being dead is like slipping into a dream.

My mom explained it to me like that. I was thinking of death as a sleep in the most negative ways. Like when I sleep, I don't feel anything sometimes. I wake up in the morning and I remember darkness but I don't remember being in actual darkness for 5 hours (I think that's the most I sleep these days). And dang my breath stinks. (I'm on the nebulizer and pretty much half your face is stuck in a mask, breathing in and out and consequently I can smell my breath and it don't smell too fresh.

But about the death thing. What was making me feel so depressed was not understanding how you could die and be gone forever. When I sleep, I wake up to something. I was gone and unconscious for a few hours but I woke up to something. How can you be dead and not wake up to anything? How could that feel? That's what was depressing me especially since I was having these doubts abut God. And now I feel better now that I think I understand. It's like slipping into a dream. I so hope so. I really need to talk to a religious person about this. I'm gonna ask my mom if she gets to pick me up any other time.

There's a lot to talk about.

Well, spirit week has been going on. Today was Crazy Day and everybody seems to go all out on Crazy Day. They wouldn't do Neon Day, they wouldn't do You Are What You Eat Day, but Crazy Day comes and it's like, UNLEASH THE INSANE!

I was planning on pinning something myself that said, "Escaped from the asylum" or "The Voices In My Head Tell Me I'm Not Crazy" and I drew one and everything but I didn't wear it. My dad dropped me off at the bus stop and he would've seen it and that would be weird to explain. So I just put my t-shirt inside out which didn't even look inside out since it was a black t-shirt and its tag happened to be a cute arrangement of words in the back.And I wore mix-matched socks that didn't even appear that much over my sneakers. I didn't go all out. I'm as crazy as it gets.

I got a pep rally ticket. My friend was urging me to get it as early as I can so I did. It was really easy though. I just came up to the school store and they practically shoved it into my hands. I was so confused but then I understood a second later and rushed out all giddy inside. I heard the pep rally was awesome and all my friends need to go. I would've gotten a ticket for them too but I didn't.

What else? I've been staying after school these days and I love it. Tomorrow, the class meeting isn't ending until 10 PM which is crazy and my parents aren't agreeing with that so I'm staying until like 6:30 at most. I really wanna help out though. I like being apart of creating something amazing and our sophomore class is doing something totally amazing for the hallway we have to decorate. I really don't understand exactly what they're doing but everything looks amazing.

I took like 3 hours to finish my English essay rough draft and I still have Graphic Design homework to do. I have no idea why it's due in a day. And obviously I'm procrastinating if you can tell.

I stayed for TLC, the Christian group, and everyone's nice and friendly. And they did a bible trivia and I knew almost none of the answers. I really need to start going to bible studies. It's weird when people are looking at you for answers and you're just like, "Dude I don't know."

Okay. I need to go do something with my life. Like sleep. And stuff cut and chiz. K BYE. I don't wanna leave. I could type forever. Mindlessly type.

Bill Kaulitz got a new look. I feel like I haven't talked about him in forever. Well yeah. He looks schmexier than ever but looks like a totally different person. If you looked at his 2008 pictures and now pictures, you're gonna be drop dead blown. My crush on Bill had been starting to fade this past year. I look at his old pictures and realize how girly he looks and as pretty as he was, I like a guy who looks like a guy. I don't mind a few feminine features but he has to look like a guy. And when I see his recent pictures, I realize that he's gotten too old for me. He and Tom's b-day was on September 1st and I think they turned 22. Yep. 22. They're so freakin' old. And when he wears make-up with that manly face that's beginning to show, it looks weird to me. And at the same time, it looks stunning. He is absolutely stunning-looking. But I really don't like ups and downs. So it's just been fading away. The only Bill I fantasize about is 2006 Bill, which isn't very logical at all. (But I guess that's why it's called a fantasy.) Yeah. I'm not doing my graphics homework tonight. I can tell.

But this new blonde and bearded Bill is something new and he looks absolutely gorgeous and still has that feminine touch that is growing on me. I love the minimal eye make-up look. He has really nice eyes and guys don't need eye make-up. No one really needs heavy eye make-up.

Look at him!

That's crazy. I never thought a beard could even grow on that hairless chin. And now look at it. He looks amazing though but lots of the fans are arguing about how it doesn't even look like Bill anymore. Do we even know who Bill is? You can't really know someone until you actually KNOW them. Appearances are one thing. Videos and behind-the-scenes footage can't capture the actual personality of anyone. So we'll see how everything works out I guess.

I love them all. Not just Bill. I was contemplating on changing to a Georg's girl but then I realized that I'm undeniably a Bill's girl but Georg comes in second because he makes me smile.