Having Your Own Personal Jessica.

I feel like senior year is like a losing game of dodgeball game. And the balls are college applications, essays, SATs, GPAs, scholarships, tuition, majors, careers, and the works. The opposing side includes my own peers, teachers, counselors, parents, and other random adults that want to put their say into things. And then, there's me on the other side. Getting hit my these balls every single day. When I try to hit back, I fail. But then sometimes, I get an occasional essay out of the way or a application filled.

But today, I was drowning in dodgeballs. Especially after school when I was helping my friend narrow down her colleges. We didn't actually get anything done except I did start making a chart that listed all the characteristics of the schools she had chosen so that we can look at them side-by-side and narrow things down. Now that I remember, I need to finish that.

For the rest of time, it was three of us, lamenting about our academic high school regrets. Mostly them than me because I like to do my lamenting at home and their problems seemed so much more severe than mines. I

I whine about having a 3.9 GPA instead of 4.0 GPA and having 1950 on the SAT instead of a 2100 when these friends had less than a 3.0 GPA and 1100s on their SATs. Being that I'm in classes with uber smart people, I feel the pressures of having to do better even though I am technically, above average. But I never realize how "above average" I am until I'm with my friends in comprehensive classes and they start discussing academic things. It's also when I realize that I need to shut up about my own complaints because it has to suck having someone complain about getting a B on a test when they're barely making a D. And I do that a lot.

Anyway, our group of three turned into a group of five and we were just sitting there, discussing the colleges we wanted to go to, the majors we wanted to pursue, our SAT scores, and all our doubts and depressions and anxieties. It was one of those discussions that made you feel like you were so behind on EVERYTHING because you didn't even think to think about this or that. Everyone has their own input on this whole applying to college thing and it can make you go crazy.

On top of my own sh**, I have to take care of my friends' sh**. One of my friends says that everyone should have their own "Personal Jessica". Because I have mostly comprehensive friends, I'm usually the voice of reason, the calendar, the calculator, and the GPS, all in one. Sometimes I wonder what they'll do without me. Like today, I told my friend I had finished the Senior Questionnaire, this questionnaire we're supposed to fill out so that our counselors can write recommendation letters for us, and I told her I sent it in today and she started staring at me all annoyed-like. She was like, "Excuse me for thinking we were gonna do this together!" And I just thought that was the stupidest thing ever. This is college we're talking about! I have a deadline on October 15 and honestly, the last thing I'm thinking about is her. But her reaction made me lie about also turning in a transcript form.

I told her that I will help her out with whatever she needs but I'm beginning to realize that she relies on me TOO much. (Which I cannot understand why because I let her down a lot) I don't know how it is with other people but I doubt other people are relying so much on their friends for this college application stuff. I mean, I often ask my smarter friends about how she goes about doing college-related stuff like getting scholarships or recommendations or how to do this or that. But with this friend, she can't do anything without me being there to assist her.

She's relying so much on us having a library day together to get things done but even if we finally did, we wouldn't get even 1/4 of the things she needed for college done. She's just gonna have to go the library herself and do it. I can't write her essays for her. I can't fill out her applications for her. I don't need to go with her to get a transcript form. And I don't need to go with her to turn it in.

If she does get into college, I definitely wonder what she's gonna do.

Anyway, I just finished taking an SAT Practice Test. It took me three days to finish it but I'm not gonna say much about that. I am disappointed and happy with my score at the same time but more disappointed than happy. I got a 640 on both the Math and Writing section. And then I got a 710 on the Critical Reading section.

So of course, I'm super excited about my CR score I finally passed the 700 mark! And it's a huge change from the 640 that I had gotten on my SAT last year. On the previous SAT Practice test I did, I got a 670. So evidently, the practice is helping. But just for THAT section. I spend the most time on the Math section and I'm not seeing improvement. Last year, I scored a 660. On my last practice test, I score a 650. And now I have a 640. -_-'

Overall, I had a 1990 which is 40 points better than the 1950 I had but gosh, a 1900 has never disgusted me as much as it does now. I want to pass the 700 mark on my math section more than any other section and any other thing in the world.

Tomorrow, I'm doing what I call "damage control" and copying down all the problems I got wrong. Mostly in the Math section but I guess I'll write definitions of words I was totally clueless about. Then, I'll do some practice quizzes. I'll start another Practice Test. And I'll also try to write a college application essay or scholarship essay.

Another thing I need to do is get in touch with the lawyer that I worked with two summers ago. I swear, I'm beginning to think he's just a total douche because he answered none of my e-mails asking for recommendation letters and I called his phone number today (the one listed on the freakin' website) and someone answered the phone, stayed silent, then I hear a voice say, "It's just some random number". Then the person on the other line hangs up.

I don't know if this is a white person thing to do or what but when some calls me, I usually say hello to signify to the other person that someone on the other line has picked up. But whatever... I'm gonna call the office tomorrow and see what happens. I mean, I'm guessing he's a busy guy. I'm sure he is. But what if I was a client or something. Is this what happens? I'm not sure if I was calling his personal phone and if so, I apologize and I guess everything else would make sense, but as I said, IT WAS ON THEIR WEBSITE.

It's almost 3:00 AM and I need to sleep. I'll probably go to bed learning some SAT words because I've missed quite a few days and I realized how many words I still DON'T know. I swear, CollegeBoard makes up words, surreptitiously places them in the Webster dictionary, and then puts it on tests to drive children insane. They're so evil but then they're my best friend. I use CollegeBoard for freakin' everything and I'm actually on that site everyday.

Tomorrow, I have to do a study. And I don't have my cohort to assist me with it. I really hope I don't completely fail.