Ugh. I don't even know what to think. I wish I could screenshot these text messages so that I can explain to you more easily what's going on. I barely know what's going on myself.
I would say it began on Monday when my friend simply stopped talking to me. I had no idea why until we were all on the bus heading home and suddenly, my phone started buzzing with all the text messages she had sent earlier that day asking me things like whether I was staying after school and where was I and things like that. That was my phone's fault. I told her that right there on the bus. And she said that wasn't it.
We didn't talk nor did she text me all week. Actually she did text me on one night, saying that I had said that Morgan State and Robert Morris were on the CommonApp and it wasn't. I texted back that I had never said that. And she texted me like a day later, asking me if we were beefing. I thought she was thinking this because we happened to meet each other at the locker at the same time and I kind of left without really acknowledging her presence. I feel bad about doing that because though I did say a little "Hi", it probably seemed like I was totally ignoring her to talk to another girl. And then I simply left. I answered her text back and said, "I'm totally fine with her. Are you fine with me?"
And I got her answer today when she sent a long message to me that I didn't get until I was waiting at the bus stop and about to leave to go to my internship.
I'll just paraphrase what she said:
"I don't know if you subconsciously are like this or you meaningfully do this but sometimes you regard people like they're nothing. Like, if there is a quote that fits what I'm talking about, it's it takes two to be friends and it definitely takes two to conversate. And I'm basically saying my raw feelings which is like it gets tiring always being the back seat. And you do that a lot. You... sometimes... most times.. Think that oh yeah, I can talk/reply/speak to her whenever I feel it. She's always there. But like dang, can you regard me like a friend and not just another thing. And this isn't just what happened Monday but from several other days. And I thought, why not tell you know, so that way it's off my chest. Besides, I shouldn't be stressed about no type of person, especially not this year."
Okay, so I didn't paraphrase. I kind of just copied what she said and fixed a few grammatical mistakes. But I guess I'm just gonna break it down from here.
It's hard to read something like this about yourself and find out that the things you do are actually hurting someone. I never really take the time out to think that the people you interact with go home with emotions in themselves that they'd never have the heart to express to anyone. I used to think I was a compassionate person and that I knew what it meant to feel someone else's feelings. But I guess I don't. Sometimes, you're just completely clueless.
I don't know if you subconsciously are like this or you meaningfully do this but sometimes you regard people like they're nothing...When I first read this, I figuratively rolled my eyes to the back of my head. First of all, how would she know that I "regard people like they're nothing" when she doesn't know anything about my interactions with other people. Obviously, this is about her and no one else so don't add "people" into it. If she felt that I regarded her like nothing, then come out and say exactly that. Second, I thought was she was being over-dramatic and almost guffawed at the fact that she thought I would do such things. Because of course I don't. Realize that these were my first thoughts when I read this.
...if there is a quote that fits what I'm talking about, it's it takes two to be friends and it definitely takes two to conversate...She's referring to the fact that on a constant basis, she's the one that has to text me or call me or whatever. I never take the initiative to do that. And I'm also not picking up the slack on my side of the friendship. She actually says this a lot. Not about our friendship though now that I've gotten this text, she probably was speaking about it indirectly. And what she says is true. I really don't take the initiative to text or call her unless I really need something. But she doesn't realize that I don't do that with anybody. It's the reason why I don't really sustain long friendships nor do I care to sometimes.
I've told her this before though. I don't text or call anybody but she keeps persisting and I've always figured that she'll get it sooner or later. But I think I've gotten used to it just being that way. She texts like five times and I don't respond, usually because I don't have my phone near me or I simply don't have anything to say. At first, it annoyed the heck out of me because I'd do that with my other friends and the conversation stopped right there and picked up when we saw each other next. But with her, she'd get annoyed about it an sometimes not speak to me for awhile. I've gotten so used to that routine that I simply go on with my life until she cools off and starts speaking me again which is usually just a day later.
...And I'm basically saying my raw feelings which is like it gets tiring always being the back seat...I kept reading this and trying to figure out what she meant by being in the back seat. Did she mean all those times that I hung out with my other friends and she'd just be there in the distance? I have NEVER EVER tried to exclude her from my other group of friends. I always figured that she didn't like them so she didn't talk to them and if that's how it was gonna be, then fine. I was gonna hang with them on the chances I get and I was going to hang with her during the other times.
But I now realize that she means that she's tired of being the back seat of my mind. Our friendship is not my first priority. And it sucks to realize how true it is.
...You... sometimes... most times.. Think that oh yeah, I can talk/reply/speak to her whenever I feel like it. She's always there. But like dang, can you regard me like a friend and not just another thing...When I first read this, I was shocked that she would think something like that. The first part where she says that I think I can just talk/reply/speak to her whenever I feel like it. She's always there. Slowly, I'm beginning to realize how bad of a person I am but I don't think I'm that bad. Or maybe I am. I don't really know anymore. Because yeah, she is always there. I have gotten used to the routine of her getting annoyed with me and not talking to me and then eventually warming up just a day later. But I don't talk/reply/speak to her whenever I feel like it. I have so many things wrong with me that I could try to explain to her for the reasons why I don't talk/reply/speak to her whenever she thinks I should. And most of them would make me just seem like a bad person.
But first, it's my extreme awkwardness. I don't know how to keep a conversation without it getting awkward even with my closest friends. I'd rather keep quiet then make a fool out of myself trying to speak coherent sentences. Basically, if I don't have anything meaningful to say, I won't say it. I never really had a problem with it before because I have always been the quiet friend that everyone went to when they wanted to vent their problems. That's all I'm good for and I'm okay with that.
But I've never been so self-conscious about speaking until she pointed out my lack of talking. I'm about to point fingers here but she's the reason why I don't wanna talk to her on the phone sometimes. If she hadn't slammed me for being the way I am, I probably wouldn't avoid her calls. I really don't know what she wants from me because if I answer the phone, there's a good chance that I'd just be listening to her talk in utter silence and maybe comment here and there. There are times when we've had hours long conversations but I feel as though they were rare. I had things to say so I said them.
Is it so wrong to just be the quiet and awkward friend?
I'm gonna continue to defend myself and say that I'm a tired mess. I'm constantly wanting to sleep. After a long day of school and often, after school activities... After trying to make it through the day, trying so hard to mask my self-consciousness and awkwardness... All I want to do is go home and relax. I want to use my computer for hours on end and I want to sleep when I'm not. Often, I leave my phone in an entirely different room and if I don't see your messages, I simply do not see your messages. I know this happens constantly. That's my fault and I should have my phone around me because of things like emergencies and what not. But when I don't want to talk to people, I really don't want to talk to people. And I can't reply to a text that I don't see.
Now, I'll tell you what makes me such a bad person.
I DO regard people like nothing. And not just her but all my friends. I realized that if I could, I'd just stay in my room and eat and sleep and use the internet all day. Except that sometimes, I like going outside and doing things like watching a movie or eating at a restaurant or going to an event. And for those sometimes, I want there to be a someone with me. And that's all I want my friends for. Just to have someone there in the seat next to me. Yes, I like socializing to a point. And there are friends that I truly enjoy being around. But only a few and only for awhile for most of them. In that respect, I do treat people like nothing. A lot of them are simply my seat fillers.
But I never regard this friend like that but only because she's the only one that tries hard to be more than a seat-filler. Our friendship would've ended right after 8th grade when we went to different high schools for a year but they didn't because she continued to keep in contact with me. I would've never taken that initiative. I simply accept that when it's time to part, I must drop my friends for another group of friends. I feel like some type of cold monster, a robot or something, because I'm so detached. I don't get attached to anyone and I don't care to get attached to anyone. People with feelings and hearts aren't like this though. Right?
But she's the only one that has issues with how I treat her (which is how I treat all my friends). She's always been one to be extremely affected by things. As much as that annoys me, there's really nothing wrong with being that way Just like there shouldn't be wrong with me being painfully awkward. I guess this probably makes being friends with me the most difficult thing ever.
I sent her text back trying to explain myself but it really was just stupid, meaningless reply. I told her that I would never disregard her and I said that I only "ignored" her when she stopped talking to me because that's the only way I know how to respond to things. I told her that I didn't think what I did was wrong either. I also said that I agreed with her. It wasn't something we should talk about over text. I sent this text before I really thought over what she was trying to say to me.
She replied saying that the biggest thing is that I'm never there as a friend when she needs a friend and that there's no worries. Someone told her a solution. The biggest lie she ever told was that there were no worries. Of course there were. And I was actually pretty affected when she said I was never there as a friend when she needed a friend. And that sucks so much to hear. She's told me so many times that she's one of the closest friends she's ever had. When I'm going through something, I vent it out here in this blog or I keep it in until I cry it out and on very few occasions, I go to someone. And it's usually her. But of course, I completely failed at being a friend to her.
I'm just selfish. I'm simply selfish. I'm sitting here, realizing how bad of a friend and person I am. I don't want to be a bad friend but I still don't want to make the efforts to be a good friend. What's wrong with me?!
Anyway, I replied to her saying that I was so sorry. And that everything she said was true. But I didn't know what to do to change. And I asked her what the solution was.
And sh replied saying that she explained the situation to her friend. And her friend advised her to keep the friendship platonic and that she should stop relying on me. And with me "ignoring her texts", my friend should just let it be.
"And honestly, this mite sound harsh, but this iguess would be in other words the raw truth"
That's the last part of what she said and sadly, I couldn't agree with her more. This is exactly what I wanted her to do from the start. To stop relying on me and stop getting so affected by the "ignored texts". But there's something totally different about someone simply doing something and someone telling you what they're going to do and then doing it. If she actually went with this advice, I know it's because there's truly something wrong with our friendship and basically, it will never be the same because we both know what's actually going on. If she had just done it in the first place... Well, I don't know what would've happened.
And I replied in the most vague way, everything that I had just wrote down in this post. It was such a stupid reply and I just want to take everything back. At first, I wanted to just respond with, "So is that what you're gonna do?" But it makes me sound like that's exactly what I'm anticipating for her to do when really, I just wanna know her take on the situation. But even if I sent that, everything would still be messy. Where would we even go from there?
I hate things like this. I don't have beefs with friends. This is why I don't have close relationships like this. There's so much time and effort spent in sustaining friendships. And since I refuse to put up with the time and effort, maybe I don't deserve a good strong friendship. If our friendship does just go down in flames like that, it would actually be one of the saddest school years ever. Yeah, I won't have to deal with the roller-coasters anymore, but I'll still have to see her face in the hallway. And I'll still see her at lunch on Mondays sometimes, unless I decide to avoid it. And on graduation day, we'll be sitting merely a few seats from each other. Are we going to pretend to be the best friends ever when our parents take our pictures or are we going to pretend we don't know each other?
Then we'll leave to university and never speak again.
Really. How sad is that?
I wasn't expecting to write an entire post on this. But I guess I just did. I've really not been in the best mood these past two days even without this friendship problem. I've been feeling like crying and I've been contemplating the thought of taking a sharp metal to my skin for that control that everyone who has ever cut speaks of. But then I think of the pain that a sharp razor ripping skin brings and I realize that cutting isn't for me.
Ugh. The sighing ensues.
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